Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I get this feeling that something is not done yet or I get this feeling that something bad is coming. There’s a lot going on and I’m too busy to noticed that I’m missing out on things that I should enjoy. When I started my study, I always thought of graduating with flying colors – the dean’s list and all. And I always dreamed of being a professional engineer. Now, I just dream of having a life that I knew I fully enjoyed and not missing any beautiful things in life.
Last week, I was scheduled for an appointment at the hospital. If ever there’s a moment that I could say frightened me the most, the appointment day is the moment. I went there with Russ around 3 p.m. and the hospital, being as usual, was bustling with people. Hospital always make me nervous and that day is worst. I was diagnosed with thyroid problem mid of 2013 and constantly met with doctors since then. My thyroid problem is a hyperthyroidism. Hyperthyroidism is the opposite of hypothyroidism, where the patient is experiencing an overactive thyroid that the thyroid gland produces too much of thyroid hormone. The symptoms are difficulty in concentrating, sleep problems, heat intolerance, weight loss and nervousness. I do get nervous a lot and even a slight tremor with my hands. I get sweaty palms and feel anxious about everything.
The day of the appointment was during the study week – week before final exam start – and I was so busy completing my assignments and coursework that I was so tired that I almost decide not to go. A lot happened that day and by the time my number are called to meet with the doctor on duty, I was so nervous. Two weeks before the appointment, I was scheduled for a biopsy. A nurse in a FNAC (Fine Needle Aspiration Cytology) room used a syringe to get a sample of fluid from the swelling in my neck. That was scary and quite painful. This recent appointment was to get my biopsy and it was hell more scary than the needle.
It was either my thyroid is CANCEROUS or not.
I was preparing for the worst and just trying to composed myself from feeling so nervous I hardly can breathe right. Everything around me was a blur for a moment and I just waited for the doctor to tell me the result. Is it bad? Is it good? It’s suffocating to wait and scared me more than anything in my entire life. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. My life has so much going on I know I missed a lot of the fun and a lot of things that I didn’t appreciate and that minutes that passed, I was thinking of all the things that I missed out and how much time have I wasted not enjoying beautiful moments.
The appointment was a good feedback.
The doctor, she was very calmed. I supposed telling a patient her test result is too ordinary, it doesn’t matter if it’s cancerous or not. Maybe I’m just too nervous but what can I do? Nervousness is one of the symptoms and it sure is not a great waiting to know if you have a thyroid cancer or not. I guess every doctor is trained well enough that it’s very calm of them to tell what it is.
I was glad that it wasn’t cancer and I’m still rejoicing that fact. Thyroid cancer is not a critical cancer but still, it is cancer. I was thinking to myself that if mine was not a critical cancer and I’m pretty much a nervous-wreck waiting for the result, I wonder of how anyone with a critical type of cancer prevail? Mine is as much nightmare I could take. I’m only in my early 20′s and my whole life flashes before me as I waited for the result. My nightmare stopped when the doctor said it wasn’t cancerous and I can’t even imagined how it was for others who have it.
Life is so unexpected.
If there was a changed that I felt after the appointment, it was the moment that I realized how much I didn’t appreciate what I have in life. How much I let everything passed by without enjoying the moment, without knowing the importance and without realization that maybe someday I wouldn’t have the chance to have that moment again. I’m in a rush without reasons in life and now I’m putting a break at a certain point in life and just enjoy the episodes of life.